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It's All Come to This.
Aug. 6th, 2017 10:30 pm[Warning, this is gonna be all over the place]
Tomorrow morning at 9am, Bill's oldest son (second born child) Philip, and his wife Julie come to visit, and help with his estate planning. This will probably change everything in my life. For a hint as to why, let's get some context on why I'm scared and kinda freaking out…
Bill and I have been seeing each other for almost 16 years to the day. I've been living with him for roughly 14 of those years. During those 16 years, I have never met any of his three children. I know all about them. I know their names. I know their rough ages. I was with Bill when both Amy's (Eldest child) children were born. I know personal stories of their childhood. I know fascinating stories about his ex-wife.
They don't know I exist. Well, now Philip knows I exist, but that's literally the extent of it.
Bill isn't out to his kids, and has no intention of doing so, even at my request for the last 16 years. Philip and his family are very religious of the 'born again' variety. Also, Bill's mental faculties have declined in the last couple of years, and significantly so within the last 3 weeks. There are periods where he says things that aren't real, but have some basis in his past (like his career, or other routines). This evening, he was convinced that people were coming over tonight, and that tomorrow morning, 'other patients' will be coming in and out of the house ('people' coming in and out of the house on the regular is a theme. I believe it ties back to his academic career when he was a Dean at Cornell). I tried to convince him otherwise, but this isn't rational, and you simply can't expect rational tactics to work. That's probably the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. I'm a scientist. I hypothesise, and experiment, in hopes that my hypothesis will be correct. That's logic. This has nothing to do with logic — or even emotion. That's hard for me to grok. There are no patterns, only the illusions of patterns.
Yesterday, he didn't recognise me, while I was sleeping next to him. He no longer reliably remembers the story of how we first met (at a Starbucks). I think he's now using the tactic of telling me he remembers things once I explain them to him ("Do you remember that?" "Yes."). I think he does it so I don't worry so much about him.
We don't comingle our finances — we don't even buy each other gifts, but literally everything I own is in the house… the house that my name isn't on. We have no papers together (we're not married, I'm not his tenant, CT has no concept of common-law marriage).
You can see how well this is gonna go.
Sure, it's entirely possible this will all just be cool. I'm pretty sure that possibility is a rounding error.
The reality of the situation is that I can no longer be the only one that takes care of him. He doesn't want to drive anymore (understandable), so I drive us everywhere. It does however, make him homebound for the entire day I am at the office — or, in the case of the other week — the entire time I'm on holiday. I was able to insure that he had a proper dinner, through various delivery apps, and he's historically been able to manage breakfast by himself (cereal, milk, fruit), but lunch is no longer consistent. I call him at the lunch hour to ask if he's had lunch, and even when he says 'yes', I come home to find no evidence. I do however, find evidence of his not eating, as he's more lethargic and less able to track conversations. He needs to be able to go places during the day (the park, stores, etc), and he needs a proper mid-day meal. He also needs to get to various doctor appointments. I'm over my limit in what I can do for him alone. I realise there are services out there that do exactly this sort of thing, but Bill's not interested in having them.
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, and it scares the shit out of me.
Tomorrow morning at 9am, Bill's oldest son (second born child) Philip, and his wife Julie come to visit, and help with his estate planning. This will probably change everything in my life. For a hint as to why, let's get some context on why I'm scared and kinda freaking out…
Bill and I have been seeing each other for almost 16 years to the day. I've been living with him for roughly 14 of those years. During those 16 years, I have never met any of his three children. I know all about them. I know their names. I know their rough ages. I was with Bill when both Amy's (Eldest child) children were born. I know personal stories of their childhood. I know fascinating stories about his ex-wife.
They don't know I exist. Well, now Philip knows I exist, but that's literally the extent of it.
Bill isn't out to his kids, and has no intention of doing so, even at my request for the last 16 years. Philip and his family are very religious of the 'born again' variety. Also, Bill's mental faculties have declined in the last couple of years, and significantly so within the last 3 weeks. There are periods where he says things that aren't real, but have some basis in his past (like his career, or other routines). This evening, he was convinced that people were coming over tonight, and that tomorrow morning, 'other patients' will be coming in and out of the house ('people' coming in and out of the house on the regular is a theme. I believe it ties back to his academic career when he was a Dean at Cornell). I tried to convince him otherwise, but this isn't rational, and you simply can't expect rational tactics to work. That's probably the hardest thing for me to come to grips with. I'm a scientist. I hypothesise, and experiment, in hopes that my hypothesis will be correct. That's logic. This has nothing to do with logic — or even emotion. That's hard for me to grok. There are no patterns, only the illusions of patterns.
Yesterday, he didn't recognise me, while I was sleeping next to him. He no longer reliably remembers the story of how we first met (at a Starbucks). I think he's now using the tactic of telling me he remembers things once I explain them to him ("Do you remember that?" "Yes."). I think he does it so I don't worry so much about him.
We don't comingle our finances — we don't even buy each other gifts, but literally everything I own is in the house… the house that my name isn't on. We have no papers together (we're not married, I'm not his tenant, CT has no concept of common-law marriage).
You can see how well this is gonna go.
Sure, it's entirely possible this will all just be cool. I'm pretty sure that possibility is a rounding error.
The reality of the situation is that I can no longer be the only one that takes care of him. He doesn't want to drive anymore (understandable), so I drive us everywhere. It does however, make him homebound for the entire day I am at the office — or, in the case of the other week — the entire time I'm on holiday. I was able to insure that he had a proper dinner, through various delivery apps, and he's historically been able to manage breakfast by himself (cereal, milk, fruit), but lunch is no longer consistent. I call him at the lunch hour to ask if he's had lunch, and even when he says 'yes', I come home to find no evidence. I do however, find evidence of his not eating, as he's more lethargic and less able to track conversations. He needs to be able to go places during the day (the park, stores, etc), and he needs a proper mid-day meal. He also needs to get to various doctor appointments. I'm over my limit in what I can do for him alone. I realise there are services out there that do exactly this sort of thing, but Bill's not interested in having them.
I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, and it scares the shit out of me.
