Year in Review

[octothorpe]

I'm trying to write a bit more, but I also don't want to be a giant bummer. Currently these things are in conflict. I'm just sad all the time now.

My job is steady, but so entirely unchallenging I die a little inside every time I go into work. I am however, *VERY* thankful they are a 9-5 gig, and fairly lenient with their holidays/PTO. This allows me to spend more time with Bill, and he's not doing so great these days. At least his physical health is doing quite well.

My mum dying in October was a pretty big bummer, but we're not a close family. It still hasn't really hit me in anything but an intellectual way — So I wait for that shoe to drop. My father isn't doing all that well with the new situation. On the plus side, he *is* progressing through the stages of grief. He's currently in Depression, and possible coming out the other end of that. His eating/sleeping habits are still sub-optimal, but they seem better than what they were back in October. Physically, he's not doing particularly well either, but it's probably been years since he's seen a GP.

Michael, my 'hetero lifemate' moved to Utah, I think in November. I'm actually really happy for him. He was born and grew up here, so I'm glad he's decided to try out a different space. He's a huge fan of the National Parks, and I'm sure he's itching to bring the Road King out there this spring. That said, my standing dinner/movie dates with him obviously don't happen anymore, and consequently, I'm staying home more often. It's nice to hang with Bill, but I also need some time away. I can still do it, but my current state of being just makes me want to stay in and hermit.

I'm consuming an awful lot of 'stuff', yet making very little. That's not something I'm used to. I used to enjoy making things, doing things, trying new things. Now, it's all I can do to wake up and do the routine that's asked of me. I'm listening to some amazing music — but not making any. Seeing great films, but not making any. Even my gym schedule is all bollocksed up at this point.

Depression sucks, kiddies. Don't try it at home.

So yeah, I'm just kinda venting into the void.

Comments

[furr_a_bruin]

Venting is part of what a place like this is for.

Here's hoping you find a way to feel better soon.

[octothorpe]

Thanks.

In a strange way, it's getting both better and worse at the same time. Clearly, I'm scheduled for a negative reality inversion in the near future.

Oye Boy

[notdefined]

First of all, I'm sorry that I've been scarce of late, but I take much longer to get my shit back together than most. I know exactly how you feel about your mum. While we were indeed a close family, I've been absent from the pack, so to speak, for a few decades having chosen to first move 500 miles distant and then over 3,000. So yes, the realities of your parent dying do take a while to sink in and it does it in stages. No matter how strong you are or how academic you try to be, the reality of the event will keep probing until it finds a way to invade your soul. While you will probably be able to move beyond this fairly quickly, I couldn't. Just ask Morgan how many years it took for me to stop reliving George's death, again and again. Mother passing was very different and with every special event, thanksgiving, christmas, new year's, her birthday, mother's day etc. , it scrapes the scab off of the wound, but just like a cut, every time that happens, the cut just gets smaller. Some day the grief will be gone and I will be left with memories. So yes, even though you say that you weren't close, you do have a history going back many years, that you cannot escape. You can eventually choose to embrace the good things and celebrate them, or let the bad ones haunt you for the rest of your life. You are a very special man Christopher, don't deny yourself the fact that you are also a human being and emotional shit happens. And, as a fellow human being and good friend, I love you and offer strength to you to carry forward.